Today was a bad day.
No sympathies needed. It was a bad day but I’m still here, still alive and still breathing. Some days, you just have bad days but it’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a bad day defines your entire life. I repeat: a bad day is not a bad life. But you know what? It’s so hard to think that when you feel like your life is just overall bad. It’s funny how one day can just change our entire perception of life but a huge collection of our good days can’t seem to minimise the monstrosity of our bad day. And I wonder why that is?
I woke up this morning in a grumpy mood. The night before I had to deal with some issues and the end results were me crying and my family comforting me and giving me ever so Godly advice. Then my friends messaged me and it made me appreciate them so much because I believe that you really find out who your friends are during the turmoils. And the night ended with me calling my closest friend and a few more tears shed here and there and a heavily blocked nose. I think you get the point. Last night wasn’t the best night and it was filled with a lot of frustration and confusion. Questions about my future were thrown here and there and the answers that flew from my mouth were, “I’m not so sure…” Feeling confused about the future really sucks because knowing where you want to be defines the direction that you run today. Not knowing coherently what I wanted to do in the future put me on the edge and for many months I was teetering on the edge, ready to fall in the pit of uncertainty and worthlessness.
You really begin to question your value as a human being.
“What am I doing here?” “What’s my purpose?” “Is this what I’m supposed to do?” “I’m scared that in 5 years time I’m going to hate this.” These questions absolutely consumed me as a whole and I lost it. I lost it internally. Slowly I became disinterested in my subjects at university and the energy that I used to have for my hobbies, it vanished completely. And I think yesterday’s cry session really helped me see where it was all going wrong. My sister said to me last night, “along the line something went wrong and you need to fix that to get back on the right path.”
I believe the only way to fix this hiccup is through Christ. Without the guidance of God, I’m always going to be lost and wandering around and in the end, it’s going to be me curled up in a dark corner, whimpering and scared out of my mind. I’m sick of running around in circles and for once, I want to run straight ahead knowing that it’s going to be okay. I know what I’m meant to do in the future and I know what my purpose is and sometimes I forget and when I forget, I also forget my identity and who I am.
But I’m here and I know who I am.